The Minivan Years Read online

  And in every photo, Nicole looks very grown-up.

  No matter how we feel about the process, managing our children’s education is a big part of what it means to be parents. And, more often than not, the mom does the majority of the managing—enrolling, proofreading, signing, carpooling, lunch packing, snack sending, and of course, bake sale volunteering.

  The job of managing educational times has become dramatically more complex in recent years thanks to the school choice movement. Don’t get me wrong: I am very happy about this development, even if it means more work.

  For those unfamiliar with the concept, I’ll use a simple contrast. When most of us were kids, parents had two options when it came to educating their kids: send them to the local public school or let them wallow in ignorance their entire life. Thankfully, my mom chose option one. So I attended the school based upon my street address, not based upon what best fit my needs. Kind of a one-size-fits-all strategy—like Henry Ford said, people could get his Model T in any color they wanted, as long as it was black. Efficiency was the name of the game, not choice.

  Today, parents face a very different reality. The good news? We have lots of choices when it comes to how we educate our kids. The bad news? We have lots of options when it comes to how we educate our kids. Here are just a few:

  • Send them to the neighborhood public school

  • Put them on a waiting list for one of the district choice schools

  • Enroll them in a charter public school

  • Pay for them to go to a private religious school

  • Pay for them to attend a private, nonreligious school

  • Homeschool them using customized curriculum

  • Homeschool them using prepackaged curriculum

  • Teach them at home in partnership with a public charter school program

  • Mix and match any combination of the above

  Kurt and I have used most of these options with our kids, with the exception of paying for private education. But I did teach in a private school for several years, so have been exposed to them all on one level or other. Based upon our experience, I can say this about educating children: The best program is the one the parent actively chooses. And the best system is the one that gives parents as many choices as is feasible.

  Why? Because, if nothing else, it makes an important statement to parents: You have your child’s best interest in mind, so you choose. And it makes an important statement to politicians, school boards, curriculum developers, and teachers: You are here to serve parents as they educate their children, not the other way around.

  When it comes to educating our kids, one thing is certain: They learn far more from us than they do from others. Just think about the vitally important life lessons that occur in the few years before school options even hit your radar screen.

  Lesson one: Life is hard! This vital lesson occurs moments after exiting the nurturing safety of mommy’s womb. Having grown accustomed to mommy’s voice penetrating the thin wall of her tummy, baby has no reason to expect anything but continued comfort and warmth. Instead, baby feels huge fingers pulling her head out a too-small opening just before being hit by a blast of chilly air from what turns out to be a sterile delivery room filled with masked giants. Next, one of the giants decides to stick a sucking apparatus into her nose and mouth to extract fluid and then hangs her upside down and administers an undeserved spanking. When baby finally escapes the rough clutches of the impersonal giants and enters the comforting arms of her mom, what does she find? Her mommy is bawling like a baby! Confirmation that this postwomb existence must be hard for everyone.

  Lesson two: Whining works! Lesson two starts right away as baby discovers that a good, loud cry solves all kinds of problems. Wet diapers become dry. Empty bellies become full. Boredom is relieved by giants making silly faces and talking in high-pitched voices. The child will find whining a useful tool for getting what he wants even after infancy. Stuck in an uncomfortable car seat too long? A prolonged, irritating whine might just get you a kiddie ice cream cone. Jealous because big brother got a birthday present and you didn’t? A pitiful, “nobody loves me” whine might just trigger a visit to a store to pick out a little something for yourself. For these and a thousand other reasons, a child must learn the art of effective whining as early as possible.

  Lesson three: Sounds make words! One of the most amazing lessons of all is the art of language. It turns out that what seemed mere random noises coming from the mouths of giants can be used for intentional, structured communication—very handy when you want more than a fresh diaper or ice cream. To say a word or two and have someone understand your deepest longings or self-centered cravings is a wonder indeed. Even more exciting—best experienced sitting on mommy’s lap—is discovering a bunch of those sounds written in something called a book.

  The beauty of these and other lessons that occur before a child begins formal education is that they require a mommy’s constant presence. From crying together in the hospital to reading together at bedtime, the child’s first and best teacher is always by his or her side—cheering and guiding a process that will culminate in a walk across some high school or college platform in cap and gown before entering the grown-up world of a job, a marriage, and, hopefully, another mini-scholar or two eager to learn.

  But that will be another day. For now, I must gather Nicole’s jacket and backpack, load her into the car, and take her to school. Because, after all, I am responsible for making sure my children learn.

  * * *

  Mini-Tip

  TAKE CONTROL

  You are the best person to make educational choices for your child. View the school system, professional educators, and other resources as helpful partners—but do not abdicate your role to anyone else. There is no cookie- cutter plan that will work for every child or family, so feel free to ask questions and discover options—but don’t feel guilty if your choice is different from that of other parents.

  CHAPTER 16

  Mini-Heroics

  LIVING SACRIFICIAL TIMES

  Have you ever thanked your mom for potty training you? Me neither. After rescuing all of my own kids from the humiliation of a lifetime in diapers, however, I now realize just how much sacrifice it requires—and how much I owe my mom.

  The potty-training years are among the most exhausting in life. Mine started in the summer of 1993 just before Kyle approached his third birthday. I had been eager to get him out of diapers since the day our second child was born, doubling the diaper budget and diaper-changing demands. I also wanted to beat the three-year-old deadline, since it seemed outside the respectable age limit for any child not to have moved beyond messy pants.

  My mother-in-law told me that her kids began using the toilet before age two. You can imagine how embarrassing it was to have a son falling so far behind his father’s accomplishment. So I purchased a stack of pull-up diapers, placed the potty in the bathroom, and started down the road determined to never look back.

  A friend loaned me her copy of Toilet Training in Less Than a Day. What mom could resist the promise of such a title? Similar books have been released since then, including the slightly less ambitious Potty Train in Three Days and the slightly more appealing Potty Train Your Child in Just One Day: Proven Secrets of the Potty Pro. Who wouldn’t want to achieve the status of potty pro?

  I got excited. Like millions of other moms, I was determined to move my child beyond the smells and headaches of diapers in one day. Yeah, right! I still feel set up, deceived, betrayed, and hoodwinked. You see, they don’t tell you what to do when the child fails to share his mom’s enthusiasm. Kyle made it clear that he preferred a more cautious, gradual approach. Why rush such a big change? After all, diapers are our friends.

  The war was on.

  PHASE ONE: PROPAGANDA

  Like any great army facing an entrenched enemy, I decided to launch a sustained propaganda initiative. By making the toilet sound like fun, perhaps Kyle would lay down his
weapons and willingly surrender his position. Unfortunately, my son quickly saw through my ploy and dug his heels in further. Perhaps I would have had more success had I had access to some of those newly developed weapons, like Potty Elmo, the Potty Scotty Kit, or The Potty Song CD. But none of those had been invented yet, so I had to rely on floating Cheerios.

  PHASE TWO: INVASION

  Hoping I had worn down the enemy’s defenses, I moved into the next phase of my battle plan. Like the Potty Pro book had suggested, I set aside an entire day to remain by Kyle’s side. For the first time, he slid into a pair of big boy pants instead of a diaper, and I invited him to let me know when he felt the need to wee wee or poo poo and we’d have fun together sinking cereal ships floating in the toilet bowl sea. Remain by his side at all times! That was the key. So, other than the times I had to feed or change the baby, that’s exactly what I did.

  PHASE THREE: REINFORCEMENTS

  Of course, while I was feeding or changing the baby, Kyle took advantage of the moment and messed his pants. As any parent who has used training pants will tell you, it is much easier to clean messes neatly contained within a disposable diaper than it is to clean up messes only moderately captured inside big boy pants. So, like any courageous soldier would do, I called in reinforcements. The moment my husband returned home from the office, we teamed up to keep Kyle from taking advantage of distraction for a surprise attack.

  PHASE FOUR: RETREAT

  I had no idea children could hold it for so long. Kyle absolutely refused to go to the bathroom during the day. He waited until nighttime when we were sleeping and messed both his big boy pants and his sheets. We began to think maybe diapers were our friends after all. So, on day six of our one-day potty-training program, we gave up and sounded the retreat.

  Several weeks after Kyle’s victory, I discovered a point of vulnerability. We had given Kyle a Reader Rabbit educational software program. Kyle fell in love with the program and played it every afternoon. I noticed that he came to me for a diaper change whenever he had finished the game. It occurred to me that Reader Rabbit time had evolved into his go-number-two routine. The next day, I placed the training toilet atop the office chair, removed Kyle’s diaper, and sat him down to play the game. It turned out to be a stroke of genius. Within minutes the plop, plop of poo poo falling into the potty opened an exciting new phase of Kyle’s life, reinstating his big boy pants and preserving my sanity.

  I won’t go into the details on my other three. Suffice it to say, each child was more stubborn and more resourceful than the previous. By the time we got Nicole out of diapers, I had the Potty Pro equivalent of a master’s degree in child manipulation.

  Surprisingly, I also had a much better understanding of the Gospel.

  Shortly after reaching the pinnacle of popularity—thanks to calming a storm, casting out demons, raising the dead, and feeding thousands—Jesus caused his fan club to dwindle by telling them more than they wanted to hear.

  “If anyone would come after me,” he began, “let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23, English Standard Version [ESV]).

  I can just hear the crowd’s reaction. A cross? What on earth is this guy talking about? Crosses are those horrid death instruments the Romans use to torture and kill criminals. Why would the rabbi want us to have anything to do with a cross?

  As if talk of crosses weren’t bad enough, Jesus went on to make things even more confusing when he said, “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it” (Luke 9:24, ESV).

  Save to lose? Lose to save? Has this guy lost his mind? Rolling their eyes and turning their heads toward home, many in the audience must have considered the statement nonsensical. Counter to every fiber of their being and every lesson of common sense, Jesus suggested they should set aside their own interests, security, and gain in exchange for the opportunity to bear a cross.

  Nice offer, Jesus. But we’ll pass on that one, thank you.

  The theme continued to emerge, such as when He said that a seed must go into the ground and die in order to bear fruit, adding that “Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life” (John 12:24–25, ESV).

  He made it clearer after alerting the disciples to His own pending death, reminding them, “Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it” (Luke 17:33, ESV).

  What does it mean? How do we keep by losing? Was Jesus referring to His death or my life? Should I ponder His words as a mysterious paradox or live them as practical reality?

  I believe the answer comes when we understand that Jesus was doing more than teaching us abstract concepts. He was inviting us to play a part in His great work of redemption by replacing the tyrant of petty self-absorption with a life of heroic self-sacrifice. The cross is more than a symbol of my salvation. It is also the symbol of every parent’s calling.

  I recall the story of a boy named Bobby and his younger brother who peered over the kitchen counter, watching their mother prepare breakfast. As she slipped the first golden pancake onto a plate, the older brother quickly tried to stake his claim. “I get the first pancake!”

  Disappointed by her son’s self-centeredness, Mom used the occasion to teach an important life lesson. Looking into the eyes of her oldest son she said, “Now, Bobby, if Jesus were here right now He would say, ‘That’s okay. Let my brother have the first pancake. I will wait for the next one.’”

  After a moment of reflection, Bobby looked down at his younger brother, Billy, and excitedly proclaimed, “Billy, you be Jesus!”

  I suppose we all want to be like Jesus until we realize it means questioning some of our fundamental assumptions about how we really achieve a meaningful life.

  Are women doomed to discontent if they wed Joe Ordinary rather than Prince Charming or nurture children instead of pamper themselves? If so, why did Mary—the most celebrated woman in history—call herself a servant “of humble estate” who sacrificed everything she wanted in order to give life to a precious child and a dying world?

  We find our lives when we learn that the path to real meaning goes far beyond fulfilling one’s personal passion. It is found in the kind of self-sacrifice modeled in Christ’s Passion—laying down one’s life for a spouse, a child, and a world in desperate need of truly heroic people.

  People like Mark. He lost his dream job a few months back through no fault of his own. Wrong place at the wrong time. He is considered one of the best in his field, and he wants to relaunch his vision with another company. But doing so would require moving out of state, away from his wife Barbara’s family. Barbara is an emotionally fragile soul. Such a drastic change at this stage of her life could throw her into a tailspin. So Mark has decided to take a mundane job in the local market, causing some to think he lacks initiative. Barbara, on the other hand, considers Mark her hero.

  People like Candice. She and her husband, Steve, graduated at the top of their class—the best and brightest, most likely to change the world. They tied the knot and launched their partnership. As expected, their combined brains and talents shot them to the top of their field. Each enjoyed a good income and the lifestyle it afforded. Each routinely received accolades for his and her accomplishments. But when they had children, Candice decided to walk away from it all in order to stay home and nurture them. She doesn’t question the choice. She does, however, feel a loss. While Steve continues to change the world through the professional pursuits they once chased together, Candice occasionally misses the thrill of success—not to mention the extra income. Her gifts, education, and experience are sitting on a shelf so that she can chase two toddlers around the house and try to keep Cheerios off the floor. She’s no longer fulfilling her promise to change the world. Or is she?

  Of course, the heroic life goes far beyond marriage and parenting. But it always begins at home.

  Many others come to mind because heroe
s come in all shapes and sizes—from the single mom working two jobs to keep her kids fed, to the underpaid pastor who is overworked and underappreciated caring for the needs of his flock, to the exhausted daughter caring for an aging parent who has forgotten her name. Be it the young man who abandons the freedom of bachelor living to take on the responsibility of a wife and family or the attractive young woman who saves herself for and gives herself to one man for a lifetime, it is in the act of self-sacrifice that we discover the rich beauty and abiding satisfaction that come from a life lived as somebody’s hero.

  * * *

  Mini-Tip

  CELEBRATING HEROES

  When you see a person sacrificing him- or herself for another, take a moment to celebrate such heroic acts with a comment. When you drive by the fire station, tell the kids how thankful you are for those men and women who save lives. When you see a mother or father pushing a baby in a stroller, point out that babies could not survive a week if not for a parent’s loving care. When big brother helps little sister into her car seat, ask the family to give him a sitting ovation for his heroic deed. In big and small moments, reinforce for your kids the importance of self-sacrifice in everyday life.

  CHAPTER 17

  Mini-Saints

  ADMIRING COURAGEOUS TIMES

  How was he?” asks Kent’s mother.

  “Oh, we had a few problems. But he was great overall,” Kurt responds with forced brightness.

  “What kind of problems?” inquires Kent’s dad.

  “Well, I spent a good portion of the hour chasing him all over the building because he didn’t want to stay with the group.” I can tell by the look on Kent’s dad’s face that Kent is going to be in trouble when they get home. Kent can tell, too. He starts apologizing like a drowning man screaming for a rope.