The Minivan Years Read online

  Kurt tries to model and enforce with the boys to watch their manners when with Mommy and Sister (no burping, gross jokes, etc.). When the time comes, I will teach Nicole to be discreet about feminine matters in front of the boys. In these small but important ways, we help our children learn that there is something about the opposite sex that is worthy of special treatment.

  When Kurt was young, his mother did something very wise while the family watched television together. Whenever there was a scene in which a man and woman became intimate with each other his mom would tell them to change the channel if the couple was not married. If they were married, on the other hand, they could watch the show. (Incidentally, this was in the days when they were restrained about what was actually shown on television.) In this small way, she made an important statement to help her children understand that sex itself is not dirty or wrong, only sex outside marriage.

  The kids are content. The house is calm. Nothing can disturb this serene setting. Until . . . Kurt sneaks up behind me, wraps his arms around my waist, and begins blowing in my ear, whispering sweet nothings and kissing my neck. Before anyone has a chance to stop us, we just might become embroiled in a full blown “mush out.” Mom and Dad are up to it again! The kids react in playful horror.

  “You guys are gross!”

  “Yuck!”

  “Not again!”

  Translation: “It’s wonderful knowing Mom and Dad love each other.”

  You see, Kurt and I want our children to admire and appreciate that God made women and men different from each other, and to respect the mysterious beauty of intimacy between husband and wife. These things should make them smile, even when they don’t entirely understand.

  So I will continue trying to look and smell better than Dad.

  I will do my best to teach our daughter feminine charms.

  And if I’m lucky, I will enjoy a nice cuddle with my eight-year-old admirer every now and then.

  * * *

  Mini-Tip

  CELEBRATE YOUR FEMININITY

  Declare today Feminine Charms day and treat yourself to one or more of the following girlish activities:

  • Take a nice, long bubble bath

  • Replace your frumpy sweatshirt with a cute blouse—even if you know it won’t stay clean very long

  • Spend $15 at a local spa to have your toenails painted

  • Rent a romantic comedy and make your husband watch it with you

  • Go shopping for “a pair of underwear” at Victoria’s Secret so your husband will be glad he watched the romantic comedy with you

  CHAPTER 12

  Mini-Sins

  CORRECTING ERRANT TIMES

  He said what?” I couldn’t believe my ears.

  “Paul told me Shaun said the F word.” Not something any mom wants to hear from the school office.

  “But he doesn’t even know the F word.” At least I didn’t think he knew it. And even if he did, he’d probably heard it from Paul!

  A bit of context. Paul was the fourth-grade bully and Shaun his primary prey. So when Paul got in trouble for kicking my son and filed a counter allegation about the aforementioned foul word, you can imagine my skepticism.

  One other bit. The voice on the other end of the phone was Paul’s mom—the school secretary.

  “All I know is that Paul heard him say the F word.” She believed her son. I couldn’t believe mine would do such a thing. Since he was knee-high Shaun has been, by kid standards, a spiritual giant. His sensitivity to the things of God often caught me by surprise. And while we tried to teach him tact, his courageous faith resisted most attempts at restraint. Despite bold declarations of belief, however, Shaun is no angel. But I still couldn’t imagine him using foul language at school. Which brings us back to the F word.

  “I would never use the F word!” I could tell by the look in his eyes that he spoke the truth. Moms just know. But would the school administration believe him?

  “Shaun, do you know what the F word is?” the Vice Principal inquired.

  “Yes. It’s the worst thing you can say in the whole world!”

  “What is the F word?” she prodded further, suspecting childhood naïveté.

  Sensing it was safe to utter the forbidden word since the adults asked him, Shaun answered, “I would never say fudge flux to anyone!”

  No angel. But no demon either.

  About a year later, in fact, Shaun announced his own tendency to “fall short of the glory of God.” It happened when Kurt became frustrated at some minor offense.

  “Dad, I’m only nine!” Shaun gave his theologically insightful defense. “And kids sin every once in a while!”

  An understatement if ever one was spoken. Every parent can attest to the reality that kids sin every once in a while.

  If you’ve read my previous book Playstation Nation, you know that video games have been an issue in the Bruner home. It took me seven years to finally recognize the addictive nature of what I call “the digital drug.” Even before my epiphany, however, I considered them a waste of time and brain cells. So we placed some pretty strict limitations on game time.

  When our oldest was about seven, we spent a holiday vacation visiting Grandpa Otis and Grandma Gail’s home where Kyle discovered their old Super Nintendo video game system. It had all the classics; Donkey Kong, Tetris, Duck Hunt, and, of course, Super Mario Brothers. The games called our son’s name every second of the day, pleading with him to beat the next level, and the next, and the one after that. How on earth did any parent expect a child to live within a one-hour-per-day limit with so many ducks to shoot, donkeys to kong, Tetris blocks to tet, and Marios to bounce?

  Now, like every mom, I liked to give the kids their allotted video game time during those periods of the day when the adults become busy with boring grown-up activities like talking, cooking, washing dishes, or napping. On about day three of our visit, Gail and I began cleaning up the kitchen, while Kurt rested in the bedroom. Otis relaxed in the family room, while Kyle devoured his sixty minutes in front of the screen. But one hour on video games is like eating one Lay’s potato chip. So when his time ended, he wanted more.

  “When my mommy gets done talking,” Kyle informed Grandpa, “I’m going to ask her if I can play another hour.”

  Aware of my game-time rule, Otis asked, “What are you going to do if she says no?”

  At that moment, a devious expression came over Kyle’s face. It was as if he had calculated his odds based upon my state of distraction, the increased likelihood of bending the rules during vacation, and the support he hoped to receive from a sympathetic grandpa.

  “Well,” he said in a hushed tone, “then I’ll keep asking and asking and asking some more until she says yes!”

  Otis still laughs whenever retelling that story. I chuckle myself. But I also use it to remind myself of an unpleasant reality, one best understood by relating an incident that occurred when Kyle was a toddler.

  As every parent of a two-year-old can attest, little kids like to follow the exact same routine every night before going to sleep. In our home, that routine included Kyle grabbing a book from the shelf, toddling over to Daddy’s lap, and demanding he read “dis one” before lights out. “Dis one” happened to be a little board book titled All Mine, Bunny that taught kids about sharing by illustrating the consequences of a demanding, selfish bunny’s behavior.

  After about the thirtieth night in a row of reading All Mine, Bunny, Kurt desperately tried to convince Kyle to let him read a different book. But “dis one” fit the nightly routine—or rather “nightly rut” as Kurt called it. Oh, well, he figured, what better rut than to instill the value of sharing in one’s toddler?

  On about day sixty-five of All Mine, Bunny, we invited some friends to the house for dinner. The couple had their own toddler, so we situated Kyle and their little boy in front of a pile of Fisher-Price toys in the next room while the four of us enjoyed a nice meal and much needed adult conversation.

 
During dessert, Kurt overheard Kyle say the word “share” in the next room. Pleased that his father-son bonding time seemed to be paying off, Kurt smiled and continued the conversation. But then he heard it again. Unable to contain his excitement and pride, Kurt pushed back his chair and stood up.

  “Excuse me,” he interrupted, “but I need to see what is going on in the next room.” Grinning with self-congratulation, his eyes met mine. “It seems our son has learned a thing or two about sharing, thanks to our nightly rut!”

  Kurt walked toward the door and peered around the corner just in time to hear Kyle once again utter the word “share” in a very demanding tone as he forced a toy out of the younger child’s hands.

  “At that moment,” Kurt soberly reflected, “I realized that my son had inherited a sinful nature—from Olivia!”

  While I accept only half the blame, I can’t argue. Our children did indeed receive hand-me-downs from their parents. And, unfortunately, those hand-me-downs include a little reality called sin. A reality, by the way, that has also surfaced in Kyle’s younger siblings.

  Like the time Shaun told us a barefaced lie, trying to cover something he had done wrong. Both caught up with him, and his effort to avoid the embarrassment of discovery became double trouble. Hurt and angry, I saw in my son a tendency to deceive. A tendency, incidentally, I had at his age.

  Or the time we found streaks of white spray paint across the front fender of our new minivan. We questioned all four kids and received four denials. But then six-year-old Troy’s face shouted I’m guilty! (Moms just know.) His mischievous side had gotten the best of him, inspiring the worst in him.

  Even Nicole, our sweet little princess, has her moments. For some strange reason she takes pleasure inflicting pain upon our dog. A kick, slap or overaggressive squeeze triggers a high-pitched yelp—which in turn triggers disciplinary action. She knows better. She understands the consequences. But she does it anyway. Go figure.

  So we are four for four. That’s right, 100 percent of our children have shown bad attitudes, said naughty words, hit unsuspecting playmates, and made wrong choices. Correction, we are six for six. After all, they had to inherit these tendencies from somewhere.

  As author P. D. James noted in Children of Men, if you treat children like gods when they are young, they are likely to act like demons when grown. It is important that we understand why our little angels can so quickly become devils by developing a solid theology of children. In short, the Christian faith teaches us that we (and our kids) are spiritual beings created for the purpose of relationship with God. Because we are made in God’s image, we have tremendous capacity for good. Due to the disease called sin, however, we tend toward evil. We’ve been given a free will, making each of us accountable to God for our choices.

  So, when your child utters that first dirty word and you wonder Where did that come from? suspecting the neighbor kid—remember that your child is bent toward evil and may not be as innocent as you assumed.

  When you catch them lying, cheating, being lazy, or kicking the dog—rather than ask why you are such a bad parent, remember that they descend from bad stock. “For all have sinned” the Bible affirms “and fall short of the glory of God.”

  The bad news is that we, and our children, are hardwired to sin. So expect it, correct it, and, when the child is old enough to grasp it—let him in on the good news.

  But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

  ROMANS 5:8, NEW KING JAMES VERSION (NKJV)

  * * *

  Mini-Tip

  AS EXPECTED

  When you discover or catch your child doing something wrong, watch your reaction. We can easily become overemotional, in part because we see it as a reflection on our parenting skills. Instead, learn to expect your children to sin. After all, they are sinners. It is important to be firm in discipline. But be careful to show grace in the moment of discovery, remaining calm to avoid an emotional scene. Take the time to instruct your child on why what he or she did was wrong and assign an appropriate consequence, keeping in mind that sinful behavior is the human condition.

  CHAPTER 13

  Mini-Enemies

  DISCUSSING DEVILISH TIMES

  Kids have a knack for recognizing evil when they see something that suggests ominous, preying, dark forces in our world. Take, for example, a book I considered rather innocent, titled Go Away, Big Green Monster. It became a bedtime-ritual read in our family when Kyle was about three years old. Sure, the word “monster” is in the title and on every page. But the text reads “You can’t scare me, Big, Green Monster.” Like the Pixar/Disney animated feature Monsters, Inc., this monster wouldn’t dare generate nightmares. So you can imagine my surprise when Kyle made a correlation I hadn’t.

  “We know who the monster really is, don’t we, Mom?”

  Um, who he really is?

  “The monster,” Kyle continued, saving me from the embarrassment of having to confess ignorance, “is really Satan!”

  It wouldn’t be the last time the enemy of our mortal soul would come up in bedtime conversation. Some years later I became ensnared in yet another satanic dialogue. Even though it was well past bedtime, I kept my promise to lie on the bottom bunk next to then eight-year-old Kyle and talk before the boys fell asleep. Shaun, who was then six, lay on the top bunk. Despite being unable to see my face because the room was dark, he peered over the edge to ask me a very profound question.

  “Mom, we are supposed to love everybody, right?”

  “That’s right, sweetie,” I answered, unaware of a setup.

  “What about Satan? Are we supposed to love Satan?”

  Not quite sure of the proper theological response, I went with my gut instinct. “No! We aren’t supposed to love Satan.”

  I was naively confident I’d satisfied a six-year-old, but Kyle chimed in to spoil my moment. “Yes we are, Mom! We’re supposed to love everybody. We just aren’t supposed to love what he does.”

  Wondering whether or not I’m qualified for this conversation, I fumbled for something to end it so we could all get to sleep.

  “Well, are we or aren’t we?” Shaun needed an answer or he would be up all night.

  “We’ll talk about it later. Now go to sleep,” I said in a firm yet loving manner.

  Lovely silence for about sixty seconds.

  “If Satan was an angel who sinned, can other angels sin?” Kyle asked, raising the bar.

  Where do they get these questions? Whatever happened to the days when “Now I lay me down to sleep” covered things?

  Despite the challenge of answering such profound theological questions, I’m glad my children ask. After all, they need to understand that they have an enemy who, according to the Scriptures “walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” (I Peter 5:8, NKJV).

  I think we too easily forget that we live in enemy-occupied territory. Our children are not growing up in a benign kingdom with few threats to their spiritual well-being. They are growing up in a fallen world that includes a devil—one who wants their souls in his possession. And his tried-and-true method for snaring them is something called rebellion.

  Our four kids huddle close together eight feet below Dad. Kurt looks over the upstairs railing, waiting for the first sign of a foot, a hand, or any other body part to expose itself beyond the edge of a large umbrella. The plan: Wallop the first child who ventures from under the umbrella with my pile of Nerf balls and rolled-up socks. The reason: It’s family night and the kids have come to expect such crazy activities. On this occasion, we hope to give them an experience that will help them understand submission to authority.

  Earlier in the evening we read an odd Bible verse to the kids to set up our umbrella activity. “For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry” (NKJV). The statement appears in 1 Samuel 15:23 amid a heated conversation between King Saul and Israel’s spiritual leader, Samuel.


  “Why would Samuel compare rebellion to witchcraft?” Kurt asks the family. “Do you see any similarity between the two?”

  Blank stares tell me the connection is less than obvious.

  “And I wonder why he described stubbornness as iniquity and idolatry?” Again perplexed expressions.

  I’m not surprised. After all, few grown-ups see the link.

  My oldest is first to venture out, convinced he can outrun his dad’s fastball. Kurt is elated, nailing Kyle’s scrawny frame three times. The younger kids laugh at their brother’s arrogance and huddle more tightly together. As we explain later, the umbrella represents authority—something God places over us to protect us from the dangerous forces of Satan’s schemes. We read the scriptural admonitions to be on guard against the “fiery darts” of a devil who seeks “whom he may devour” (Ephesians 6:16, NIV). We learn of the need to submit to God and resist the devil. And we will discover why God gave the gift of authority—which brings us back to the story of Saul and Samuel.

  God had instructed Saul to “utterly destroy” the Amalekites: every soldier, every citizen, every animal and, of course, their wicked king. During the battle, however, Saul made a slight change in the plan. Rather than kill everyone and everything, he brought back a few victory spoils. When Samuel confronted Saul, Saul proudly explained his “better idea” to Samuel.

  “Be quiet!” came Samuel’s angry response. “The Lord sent you on a mission. . . . Why then did you not obey? . . . Why did you do evil in the sight of the Lord?” (1 Samuel 15:16–19, NKJV)

  Not obey? Do evil? Samuel’s reaction seems a bit harsh. After all, everyone else brings back spoils after defeating an enemy. And being such a thoughtful guy, Saul only wanted to offer a nice sacrifice to the Lord.

  Samuel doesn’t buy it. “Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice. . . . For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry” (1 Samuel 15:22–23, NKJV).